RAINBOWS and UNICORNS You Say? F*** YOU! — Ch.il.l. ~ Chronic Illness Life

F*** YOU rainbows and unicorns? Really? What’s wrong with you, woman! Rainbows and unicorns are great, they evoke light, joy, beauty, wonder and even a pot of gold for God’s sake! And didn’t you recently have a blog post titled SHAME You Say? F*** YOU! ? Lighten up, will you? 

😔 GUILTY!! (that word itself deserves its own post—let’s save it for another day): I’ve taken a ride on the F*** YOU bandwagon.😱

In that previous blog post I shared how, while growing up with a chronic illness, the mere suggestion that I should look into my SHAME (as it related to my chronic illness) would send me flying into the land of scorn and elicit a visceral (silent) F*** YOU.

Guilty some more because in that same post I also shared that the mere suggestion that I should join a support group triggered the same reaction: F*** YOU.

HERE’S THE SCREWY PART: Ditto about the ideas of PEACE AND JOY! What the F***? (really, I’m all in on the F*** bandwagon)

If someone looked TOO HAPPY living with their chronic illness (or worse, didn’t live with one) and tried to reel me in for an inoculation of rainbows and unicorns, you know it, I’d think: F*** You (too).

Why? Because living with a chronic illness was my hell, my cross to bear, my secret to keep, my challenge to face, my teacher (this may have come a little later in life), my deal, and if you were going to tell me how WONDERFUL LIFE CAN be WITH a chronic illness, I’d happily flip you off🖕because you didn’t know F*** all. (again, in my head only—I was way too bottled-up and concerned about being proper to do it outright). To me, these people seemed disconnected from reality. From mine anyway. There was no way someone could feel as deep a distress and betrayal as I felt and be zen about it. No way someone could be living with constant suffering, perpetual complications, compromised life and thwarted dreams as I did and ride a unicorn over a rainbow.

Shame = I’m no F***ing victim. Leave me alone.
Support Groups = I don’t want to sit in a circle and whine about how hard our life is.
Rainbows and Unicorns = You don’t know what the F*** you’re talking about
(Where does that leave you? With me 😁)

Living with a chronic illness is not a ONE ISSUE challenge. It’s FREAK’N COMPLICATED and messy and hard. It affects your body, your mind and your soul. It requires all of you pretty much all the time. It’s also full of gifts and purpose and radiance. 

Sometimes we jump on the F*** You train.
Sometimes we bask in Divine Light.
Some days we are bottomless pits of need.
Some days we are endless sources of Love.

Our situation is unique and complex and so we need to hang out together, stick together, stand up for each other, and support each other because in my experience, people who don’t live it can really get it. 

Tell me: what type of words or people push your triggers these days?
I’d love to hear about your experience.

With Shame, Rainbows & Unicorns. 
xox
Annie

P.S. Although I no longer curse at the mention of rainbows and unicorns, I still occasionally hop on the F*** You train.

45% of Americans suffer from at least 1 chronic illness. Share this post and you’ll help a friend.